“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
You Might Also Like
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.