I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*