I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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Truly one of the great bangers
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you