I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.