I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Meow
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Bear knowledge
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.