I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
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Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
