Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”