I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
prepare for carbonated trouble
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You are what you eat! (If anyone needed more encouragement to eat the rich.)
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.