I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?