Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a meme

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.