I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Day 2 of my diet
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.