I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
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I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I have a black belt in leather
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I put the p in pants.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.