I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel