Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

when there are deer in the woods

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Saturday

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

ㅤ

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

Jesus Christ lmao

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.