I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
This is why I hate group projects
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
that lip filler tho
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Interior design 👌
