Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

Unexpected Judgment

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

“OMGJK” -atheists

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.