Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.