Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

[first day as flight attendant]

me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE

passengers: *screaming*

pilot: yes I do

me: ohthankgod

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.