I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
You Might Also Like
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
All set.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”