Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They also CAN sing✌️

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

you will never know the true number of layers

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*