Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]

Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

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