Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

wow he looks just like him

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

Pikachu found the lost joint

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”