Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Sign at work today

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Florida be like…

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.