I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
I’m never leaving this app.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you