I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
and now we wait
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
THIS HEADLINE
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me