I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
You Might Also Like
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob