I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too