Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice