I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
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taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I put the mess in domestic.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?