I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
They grow up so quick
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.