I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Found the job I’m suited for
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
socratic questions
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is