I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.


ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?


People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.


*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.


Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?


Friend: since you’re a teacher you must have a really great homeschooling routine going

Me, watching hour six of Netflix with my kids: oh, totally


Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.


Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.


Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?