@NotKevinSheedy

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

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@ibid78

*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”

@faizziy

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

@SlothSlouch

Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you

@jwoodham

VALENTINE’S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they’re eating dinner.

@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

@Reverend_Scott

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

@Donna_McCoy

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”