I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

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*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”


Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”


Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you


VALENTINE’S DAY PLAN: Go to the homes of all couples who Instagram pictures of fancy restaurants and rob them while they’re eating dinner.


I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!


Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?


*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion


Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth


Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”