I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!