I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
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There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
lmao😭🤣
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Oh my god
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.