Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

Be vigilant

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards