Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work

put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

when she block me on everything

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Every house has this drawer

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?