I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.