I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
You Might Also Like
Facebook memories be like
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
The Struggle
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Things will get butter, keep churning
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
BETRAYAL
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions