Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

logging onto twitter…

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?