I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?