I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
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Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Eating for two.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”