I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.