I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
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BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.