Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…