@BunAndLeggings

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

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@notmythirdrodeo

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

@DurtMcHurtt

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

@ingmarbirdman

*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*

@adult_mom

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

@BlindChow

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

@BruceForce

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

@Cornjerker78

*dozing in front of TV*

spontaneous full volume: ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING??

@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

@clichedout

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest