I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
You Might Also Like
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.