I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

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Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.


Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.


*bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*


[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable


“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.


Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted



*dozing in front of TV*

spontaneous full volume: ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING??


*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest