I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
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Oceanography is all about current events
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!