Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.