BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
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Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
DOOO EEEET
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.