Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Just why bro?!
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal