Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Dune (2021)

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo