Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
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If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo