Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
