Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Truly one of the great bangers

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?