IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.