IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.