IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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(more comics:
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Had an epiphany today.
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My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.