Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

plant them where lol

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*