Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

This dude got his own movie?

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

very niche meme I made

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.