Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
You Might Also Like
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium