Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.