IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
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My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
only 11 steps left
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭