Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fidel Castro was alive?

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours