Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting