ibopfufen
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Social Media and Real life
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.