Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

the Monday after daylight savings

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland