Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.