Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
😭😭😭
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes