Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

Muppet Screams

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

Well, this certainly took a turn

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Unmatched

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip