Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.