Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
What the hell happened in there??
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her