Icarus loved hot wings.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.