Icarus loved hot wings.
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
