Icarus loved hot wings.
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[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
This is my pinned tweet
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Leonardo DiCaprisun
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.