Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair