Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

This cat wants you to take your pills

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?