Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?