Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Company at my house: Do you have a bathroom?
My Mind: No we shit in the yard

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today