Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Duck typos.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

phew

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

What fresh Hell is this?!?

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.