Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Sell your car

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.