Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

[in the woods]

Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*

Deer: I have a boyfriend

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.