“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me when I’m ovulating
Asking the real questions!
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know