“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN